Thankful

I hate when people tell me that Thanksgiving commemorates the passing on of smallpox to Native Americans, or that it marks the day we started taking away their freedom. Yeah, it turned sour not long after, but the holiday is made to commemorate things we should be proud of, not the part of the history we're ashamed of. Just like with Christmas, I have my own, very unique views on holidays, but there's an entirely different topic. Instead of the broad topic of holidays, let's talk about Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is a totally straightforward name for a holiday. Giving thanks, duh? So I've been compiling a mental list all day, and here's a list of things I'm thankful for (in no particular order).

• My family means the world to me--my mom, stepdad, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and all the rest. I love them, and I'm so happy that I have them. They're the most fantastic group of people I could ever hope to know, let alone be related to. I appreciate you guys so much.
• My friends are a different kind of family to me. It's the same kind of feeling--I love you guys exponentially. We make fun of each other, we know each other, and we have fun no matter how a situation presents itself. We rock.
• I'm totally thankful for artists. I know that's really broad, but it's true. Authors, photographers, poets, painters, sculptors, writers, designers, architects, potters, musicians, seamstresses--the list goes on. The world is beautiful without them, but it's only with their talents that we can see it in different perspectives. Without art, I think I'd be pretty bored. So, thanks.
• Food. I'm not shitting you, we take it for granted so often, but I'm so thankful for good food. Delicious food... Mmmn... Oh, gawd, now I want Thanksgiving leftovers.
• The person I've become. Simple enough, that. Thank goodness I'm able to love myself.
• So many million little things. I just fell asleep writing this, so that's where we're gonna end. I think you get the picture, though. Most of them aren't things that could read my thanks to them, anyway.
  

Star Wars: Episode 2 sucked.

On the brighter side, these made me laugh.

That is all (for now).

So, to keep this from being inappropriate...

This is one of the best poll studies I've read about in a long time. I relate to these women's opinions, and some of them hit especially close to home.

I won't go too in detail, but y'all know how much I love human communication, and this is just one of those done to improve it. Honestly, I've said it before and I'll say it again: communication issues are the worst and most common things to ruin a relationship of any kind. Reading stuff like this helps me understand it (and this area is especially one that seems unimportant but should be paid heed to).

Teacups in the rain.

Not five minutes ago, I saw the opening scene to the second Pirates of the Carribbean movie. Granted, not my favorite film of all time, but still a good one--the thing with me and movies is that only two of three things have to be good for me to like it: acting, visuals/composition, and plot. I could blather on about that for hours, but I digress.

The opening scene of Dead Man's Chest is an abandoned wedding scene, teacups and music stands flooded with rain. The lovely Keira Knightley is playing the annoying (I hate this character, even with one of my favorite actresses portraying her) Elizabeth Swann, but the character doesn't matter and it's simply beautiful to see her in her wedding dress, after spending hours readying herself, totally drenched in rain.

This beautiful visual was, of course, interrupted by the stupid plot, but I could watch forever. Anyone who's read anything I've written knows that rain is a very important symbol to me. Personally, rain is my favorite kind of weather, followed closely by gray days that promise rain. There's so many kinds of precipitation, too--sprinkling, storming, pissing, pouring. Of course, to me, it's not just rain, but different types of rain that make the symbolism come out.

These are definitions of my use of rain as a symbol.

Soft rain, or sprinkling, in my writing, usually symbolizes a cleansing of some sort. Spiritual or emotional cleansing, a clean slate, just like the pristine cement left after a gentle, rainy afternoon. It's usually a good thing, too, one that is what the character needs, and they usually know they do to be happy. It can also mean that the character is realizing that they're at a great point in their life, and are reveling in the zest of their life. Peace or refreshment is another meaning.

Storms are generally used to portray anger, fear, or emotional stress, and even a horrible decision the character must make. Especially with thunder, lightning, and heavy cloud cover, this chaotic weather symbolizes a situation that is just that--disorderly and, well, chaotic.

A steady rain that's moderate and somewhere between a sprinkle and a storm symbolizes sorrow or sadness, generally. It's more depression than anything else, though, because depression feels like a rut you can't get out of, and it's usually just the same thing day after day--steady rain that shows no sign of changes, or only looks like it'll get worse, is linked to that in my view.

Anyway, that's just my take on it. What do you think?

Kodak moment.

The closer we come to Christmas, the more I realize: one year from now, I'll be on my own. One year from now, I'll be beyond this stage of my life.

I'll miss it, and I know that. I'll miss coming in from day to day and seeing the same people, none of whom I hate, and having the honor of learning with them, working with them, talking with them, and knowing them. It's still there, now, but it won't be for much longer. I'm determined not to cling to it.

I think of who I'll still be in touch with in a year, and in all honesty, I can count them on my fingers and still have a couple to spare. Even now, people who I would have once called "best friends" are just "friends" in my mind. Dr. Immel was right--I don't really have many ties to these people anymore. They're friends, but they're separate from myself, and myself is what I'm working on right now.

I'm taking a mental snapshot of this awkward stage, because I treasure it. I'm at a place where I'm still cushioned by what I have been for the last four years, this safe environment, but I realize that it'll all be gone in a mere matter of months, and things will be totally different in a year. I've had stages like this before, like moving across the country, but for the first time, this is my time. This is under my control. This is my life I'm working toward.

It feels so good.

While I love all of my friends, I'm sure we'll fade away from each other. We'll always be connected, and maybe later in life we'll be super close again; but for now, there's only a few of you that will truly be with me in the foreseeable future. In advance, I wish you all good luck, and I hope you're in the same boat I am, where you're realizing the importance of yourself, and how much bigger we will become.

I hope you get where you want to go.

A funny thing, that.

Writer's block has been known to sneak up on me like a metaphorical cat to an unsuspecting little bird--a very, very cute little bird, with impeccable fashion sense and a trill to die for. Once again, however, our feathered friend has escaped from the claws of the kitty-cat, and is flying free, her talons ablaze on the keyboard!

In sane-person-speak, that means I'm writing my novel again. I'd written about 35k words in it from September '07 to March '08, and I'm going back through and rewriting a lot. I outlined the plot, know every twist and turn of the story, and feel confident in myself. So, after a long hiatus, my creative drive is back in action! Dingding!

I can only hope that I evade a mental black hole until I finish what I'm working on, or at least find a good source of inspiration. Of course, if I worry too much, I'll only become catfood again. Is chronic writer's block a real disease? If so, why aren't I getting disability checks?

California, of all places.

Don't get me wrong, I'm immensely proud of our country for the landslide election of a true political leader, Barack Hussein Obama, as our forty-fourth president. I love our country so much, and I know that he can get us back on the right track. The national elections made me completely happy.

However, on a state level, I was rather disappointed. California, home to San Fransisco and the Bay Area, arguably the center of America's gay community, passed Proposition 8, which outlaws same-sex marriage in our lovely state. How depressing. Someone who is much closer to the law and understands the pain it causes much better than I, a friend of mine, janetbouncer has written a good overview of the true discrimination this proposition causes.

California is the first state that comes to mind to most people when they think "liberal state." It made me sick to see those yellow signs all around, and I thought to myself, "Surely, there can't be enough of a percentage to get that bullshit passed." When Wednesday rolled around, though, I was sorely disappointed.

Most of the arguments used to fuel Yes on 8 campaigns are BS, anyway. Religions can't be affected by the law in that way, so churches wouldn't have to let gays marry if they didn't want to, and would still get their tax-exemption. And about being involved with education? Seriously, what the hell? By Californian law, children can't be taught anything health- or family-related without parental consent. You know, like with sex ed? We had to bring permission slips home detailing the unit we would be partaking in and bring it signed, otherwise we couldn't sit in on the neat videos about the reproductive system. Not to mention, I've been in the public school system for a good thirteen years of my life, and not once has any teacher taught me about marriage, be it straight, gay, or polygamous.

Apparently, there's a bunch of trials against 8, saying it's against California's constitution. But, of course, with past civil rights issues, it's always taken more than one try. Blacks didn't get to vote with the first proposal of the concept, but any American can vote now. Let's just hope that sometime soon, we'll all get to marry who we want.

I'd just like you to know... (Part two)

I don't think life is truly fair.

I feel that fate is rarely part of the equation.

When I drink soda, the bubbles tickle my nose.

I like playing with sawdust and glitter, even if they're annoying to clean up.

I don't think anyone can ever truly understand another person fully.

I like riding my bike until my legs give out.

I feel like ice cream: I'm here in my little plastic cup, and the heat is making me melt. When it finally gets cold again, I'll freeze once more, but I won't be nearly as pretty or easy to eat as before.

I think calling yourself a lamp is a bad analogy.

I've had the urge to pull a fire alarm just to see what happens.

The only piece of my mother's advice that I've blatantly ignored is to not go shopping when hungry.

I don't eat breakfast.

I've been called a female version of Holden.

I like the way I look in my underwear.

My brain has a hard time letting go, but my heart doesn't.

I feel like I've never had a real father figure.

Random question, #2. (Lesbian ghosts?)

My second random question to friends--this one is deeper, more meaningful than the last, I feel.

"If the whole world were listening, what would you say? Why?"

D: "We're all the same people. We're all here together. We all need to make the best of it and not squandor the only home we've got." Because as a species, I fear for us. We use most of our time being angry, aggressive and destructive. We're very quickly robbing ourselves of a peaceful and lush place to live.

I: "Do not live each day as though it were your last. Live each day as though it were your only. Do and be and love. You will never get another chance." If you had the whole world's advice, saying anything about any sort of policy pandering or liking everyone seems unlikely to really get across or to even work. I'd rather tell people to enjoy their lives. To do and be and love. Whatever philosophical connotations that implies for them is up for their own interpretations.

C: probably to announce my ture love ofr some1..... u know the hole - awwwwwwww moment

W: you're all retarded. why? because we need to stop killing each other, but just can't for some reason.

Mine: Hey, everyone. Look: Love, laugh, live. Do whatever makes you happy, as long as you don't hurt anyone else. No goal is too high. We're all capable of being amazing. Yeah, even you.

(More to be added as they come.)

Shouldn't throw rocks if you live in fragile fairytales.

What do you do when your feelings for someone change?

It's not like I love them.

It's not like I want to spend the rest of my life with them.

I just want to go with the flow.

The flow, for me, says we could have a lot of fun together in these last few months of the year.

But I second-guess the flow.

What happens if they don't feel the same?

What happens if I get rejected?

I've always had a fear of rejection.

You might not guess that if you know me.

But when it comes to other people that I know well--rejection is the worst scenario.

Do I distance myself? Avoid them? Even if I don't get rejection thrown in my face, I could easily be fucking the rest of my life up with the possibility of unnecessary distractions in this stage of my life.

But what if it turns out to be the biggest mistake of my life, to distance myself?

What if I could really be happy with them?

What if they want the same thing?